every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Let's get the cat blown out
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize