I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
