I feel great
I just peed on a car
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
