I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
