They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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