worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
