im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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