dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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