i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
