I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
