youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
