He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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