I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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