I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Randomize
