I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
