She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
