matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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