Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
