Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
