Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
