That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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