Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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