I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize