I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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