we have officially mastered the walk of shame
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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