please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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