Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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