I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
