Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
