I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
