i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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