I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
