I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I could make wine with my vomit
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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