then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
