A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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