It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
