His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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