Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
