ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
