Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
PANTIES FOUND
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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