Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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