Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
