she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
