ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
