My hand turned me down
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
He did a backflip because drugs
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