My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
