How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
