no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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