All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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