Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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