i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
