im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I still have a little drunk in my system
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Randomize
