Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
