I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
