dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
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