this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
as a side note pls kill me
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
