I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Randomize
