Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
